Thursday, October 22, 2015

Confession: I Am a Blog Stalker

I blog stalk an old friend from high school.
One of these lovely ladies...
PS - This was my last night in AZ before college, there were lots of hugs
Although, really, can you call it stalking when all you do is read their blog?  Isn't that the whole point of the blog, to share your life with the internet?  It feels like stalking though, since I know her, I knew her 8th grade hopes and fears, her high school crushes.  It feels like stalking  cause I peek in, read my fill and then leave again without a trace.  No comment, no thumbs up.  In and out, like I was never there, wanting just to see her life now.  See, I can make it sound creepy enough.

Anyways, back to the subject, I thoroughly enjoy blog stalking her.  I'm sure there are several contributing factors as to why I take such joy in it (again, doing my part to sound the creeper here), but there is one main reason.  I like to wonder if, had we had made it through those hard years, between the distance and different experiences that going to colleges a country apart bring, would we be good friends now?

I go back and forth on this, but the fact that I have actually spent so much time thinking about it (and breaking my blogging hiatus to write about it!) goes to show that I am disappointed.  Disappointed that this friendship didn't last, disappointed to not know if grown-up her and grown-up me could have been grown-up friends, disappointed in myself for my part in letting the friendship fade.  There was no real juicy blow up, just high school girls that turned into college girls, phone calls that were not returned, time-zone differences and misunderstood ideas of what constituted a relationship.  But had we pushed through like we did in our other relationships (we both still maintain good friends from high school (a fact I know from the stalking...), just no longer mutual good friends from high school), I like to imagine we would be even stronger now.  I don't know if that would be true though.

I could reach out, see if her cell phone number is still the same.  I could poke her on Facebook, as we are still Facebook friends.  I could actually leave a comment on her blog one of these days, instead of just doing the stalker bit.  But I don't know if I will.  There's the fear of rejection, the fear that maybe she wouldn't welcome the foray from her past, the fear that the friendship faded for a reason.


On the odd chance that she also blog stalks me back (I definitely give much less content to stalk), this is my open ended olive branch offering, complete with a bowl of cookie dough and 2 spoons, just the way high school her and high school me would have wanted it.

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